There was a young lady named Reith
Who came from the Scots town of Leith
When searching a mate
She refused any date
Unless he had all his own teeth.
Fiona Reith dutifully completed the Computer Dating enrolment form. Some of the questions were, she felt, a little too personal, but what they wanted to know about her was, on the whole, pretty much what she wanted to know about her prospective date. She sighed and moved on to the box labelled “Special Requirements”. In it she put: “Must have all his own teeth!”
Fiona suffered from Dentophobia, if one can forgive the grammatical sin of combining Latin and Greek roots. To be more precise, she had an overwhelming and irrational fear of false teeth, having been frightened in childhood by an evil old uncle who thought he would amuse the child by removing his dentures. From then on, she was stricken by the same terror, whenever she saw false teeth, as some people get from the sight of spiders or snakes
Hamish MacPullen, on the other hand, was a Dentophile. He had an inordinate love of teeth. From childhood he had always aspired to be a dentist, he had fantasised about pulling teeth, inspired no doubt by his name. Sadly, his scholastic skills were not good enough for him to enter the profession. In compensation, he had been apprenticed to a dental mechanic and acquired considerable skill in the construction and fitting of false teeth, or as he preferred to call them, Dental Prostheses. Unfortunately, he was a lonely soul. Dental Mechanics, having much the same social attraction as Undertakers Assistants. He resolved to seek a mate through the help of the Computer Dating Agency.
Despite occasional appearances to the contrary, Computers are mindless machines, and the one belonging to the agency promptly and efficiently linked Hamish and Fiona. The enormity of this act can only be compared with the physics of combining Matter with Anti-matter. That as any science fiction fan will tell you, is an admirable basis for a disaster movie.
Initially, the romance of Hamish and Fiona blossomed. Hamish, though no film star, was not unattractive, and Fiona was plump and pleasing to his eye. She liked his smile, which revealed indisputably that his teeth were his own. But the time bomb was ticking.
Leith, even in modem Scotland, still possesses the Calvin Ethic, which ensures that relationships do not move at the pace of the fleshpots of London, or even Glasgow or Edinburgh. The courtship progressed slowly. Little by little, they revealed themselves to each other. Hamish had described himself as a mechanic, leaving off the word Dental, having learned by experience that it rated him as somewhere lower on the social scale as the more macho motor mechanic, but as the friendship ripened, he felt a strong desire to share everything with his new love, even his love of teeth. He invited her to his workshop.
There, as she entered, her worst nightmares were made real. Row upon row of teeth grinned at her from cabinets and shelves. She ran shrieking from the room. He never saw her again. Disheartened, he gave up all ideas of dating agencies and submerged himself in his work.
Fiona married an Australian and fled the country.